I have been thinking about self love lately, and not just the emotional kind. I just recently learned that the month of May was recently named National Masturbation month. Certainly it is a topic that could do with a little airing out, if based only on its checkered history alone. It wasn’t all that long ago that boys were tortured with all kinds of strange contraptions to stop them from experiencing the terrible act of masturbation that was sure to make them blind or insane. Hard to believe, but the most educated people around perpetrated these myths in the form of medicine for years. It has been ugly indeed, and the church damning anyone who ever thought of self-pleasure to eternal hell didn’t help.

Cultural myths die hard and the history of abuse that has long been attached to the practice of physical self love still carries a heavy doses of guilt, shame and anxiety with it for many people. Even without much religiosity in your life, the act of self pleasuring carries an enormous silence. As I have been studying the topic, I can tell you it only takes saying the word out loud to silence a crowd.

Feeling isolated and alone with our sexuality is standard in this country. The little sex education that is provided through adolescence, is an exercise in naming body parts at best and in some institutions is a drawn out diatribe of abstinence theory and the sinfulness of sexuality in general. Historians have suggested, that “the forbidden fruit” that is referenced from Adam and Eve is the experience of orgasm, so it is not surprising that this first gate of knowing and loving ourselves through masturbation has been continuously affirmed in most religions as sinful.

Yet, this is not the state we are born into- if you have ever watched a small child explore their own body and the look of happy surprise when they discover the highly enervated erogenous zones that have no other meaning than pleasurable sensation, it is clear that the shame and discomfort that replaces this healthy curiosity is part of our collective education, to which we are all subjected, even as it ranges in severity depending on your own family’s reaction to sexuality in general.

Anna Freud famously wrote that “sex is something you do, sexuality is something you are.” Imagine the dinner time discussions in her home. This distillation of her father’s lifelong inquiry into sexuality is meaningful in this conversation about masturbation because it recognizes the essential truth, that we are all sexual beings. The degree to which we are driven by this part of our nature is as variable as is the way each of us interprets and acts on this part of our human nature. But between the recent scandals in the church between priests and kids, and the damaging sexual relationships that so many people live victim to, I think it is fair to say that we have come to the point where we might rethink and embrace the idea and practice of healthy self pleasuring.

Indeed, there are many sexual educators and therapists that consider the ability to self pleasure as the cornerstone of sexual health. It’s not really a stretch to consider that a large percentage of the sexual dysfunction that so many people suffer from might easily has begun with the shame and anxiety about touching oneself. There is a clear correlation between the degree of guilt that early physical curiosity met and the ability to experience sexual pleasure in adult life. Finding comfort with our sexual selves is one of the most genuine, intimate and life affirming ways we can know ourselves. It is the first gate of understanding for both the raw experience of pleasure and the root of our primary sexual identity which is so basic as to be prerequisite to a fulfilling sexual relationship with others.

Just for the record, masturbation is the most common sexual practice on the planet. It is not just for lonely people either. Survey research shows that people of all ages masturbate both in and out of relationships. Kinsey’s survey found that almost 40% of men and 30% of women in relationships masturbated. A study of Playboy readers found that 72% of married men masturbated, and a study of Redbook readers found that 68% of married women masturbated. Even given those statistics, many people feel they have to hide this behavior from their partner.

One of the best reasons to let go of all the judgment and history surrounding this normal sexual behavior is because having access to your own pleasure and orgasm teaches a profound inner lesson, which is that your orgasm is your own. No one else gives it to you or has power over you having it. Having the knowledge and confidence to know what feels good to you allows you the space and courage to share that most intimate information about yourself with someone else. Accepting the full responsibility of our own sexual nature, needs and preferences is the gift you bring to a healthy sexual relationship with someone else.

So take the time this month to love yourself, feel your body and be grateful for all the sensations that you experience. Just for this one month, see what it feels like to call this part of yourself normal and welcome in the comfort of being a sexual human being.

To learn more about this topic, take a look at http://sexuality.about.com/b/2006/05/01/may-is-national-masturbation-month.htm.

Also, check out Wendy’s Pick’s - Pleasure Objects, for some excellent information on LELO

Another great resource which outlines the origin of vibrators and women’s orgasm is a video we sell called Passion and Power, an amazing chapter in the history of women’s sexuality and search for a relationship to their own right to pleasure.

Not long ago, after agreeing to review another book on greening the fashion world, the publisher sent me a note saying that after reviewing my site www.goodcleanlove.com, she was also going to send another  new release that she thought I would be interested in; “Sex Secrets of Porn Stars”.    I wondered if she had actually read anything on my site, because after years of attending the big Vegas “Sex Shows”, it became increasingly clear that my corporate mission, brand identity and personal beliefs about the connection between love and sex was a universe removed from both the intent and content of the adult industry.   Giving into curiosity, I opened the book to the first page, where the author compares women we emulate like Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Margaret Mead with the famous women of the silver screen, who bare it all, the stars of pornography.  She suggests that if we would emulate these women (instead of great women’s rights leaders???) , we could all enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.  The plot thickens with the essentials on everything from the hair, make up and costume choices of porn stars to the borrowed positions and scripts to spice up one’s own love life.  

 Ironically on the same day, I got a lengthy email from a New York literary agent that I had been corresponding with about publishing my work in book form.  Having made contact with her through a possible editor at a large publishing house I was anxious to hear her thoughts on how best to format the work.  She said although she liked my work, the relationship angle on the work involved in building and maintaining a sustainable relationships just wouldn’t sell nearly as well as a cute book about discovering and enjoying a more passionate life.  “Couldn’t you just write a book about finding more passion?  After all, you have this cute company that sells sex products…. Just downplay   all the hard work in relationships, people don’t really want to read about that.”

It occurred to me to send her “Sex Secrets of the Porn Stars”.  

 I do sometimes feel like promoting my tag line of  “Making Love Sustainable” is a little like pushing a big rock up a steep hill.   We aren’t really a culture that applies the wisdom of sustainability to our most important relationships.  Often when I say it,  there is a thoughtful pause, as though the idea were completely new.  It isn’t just about promoting green and healthy products although the adult industry could certainly do with a green washing of it’s standard ingredients.   The deeper recognition is the idea that we might be willing to give up momentary happiness or the ease we expect our relationships to provide and actually commit to the work of making our relationships sustainable and lasting, with the same effort we would put into our homes, businesses and health. 

How far our collective reality is from this sustainable love model is evidenced in all of our society’s demographics from rising divorce statistics to the trends of young people who choose to “hook up” or be “friends with benefits” rather than engage in a committed relationship, to how common place pornography has become in our lives.   The percentages of people who participate in the on-line pornographic universe is startling- One in four adults spend four or more hours per week in sexual experiences that are cut off from the relationships that define their lives.  Many actually prefer these virtual relationships to the real live ones that fill their homes.  In a time when there has never been more opportunity and technology to connect to each other, we have never seen the incidence of this many people living alone.  

That we don’t choose and stay in real love relationships is not that surprising as loving people is one of the most challenging and elevated skills that we are demanded to  develop as human beings.  Most of us come from families which gave us little useful information on the topic and if you are graduated from any public institution in the land,  then you know how little relationship skills are provided in the standard k-12 curriculum.  Even skills as basic as conflict resolution are not nearly as standard for children as geometry.  Given our collective history of war and pillage, you would think it might occur that loving each other is not ingrained in the human model, and that like other coveted skill groups we would set this as our highest level of mastery. 

Still, as complicated and messy as loving relationships can be, they are also the only avenue available to us that can provide the kind of mind blowing, “Wow- that was amazing”  sex that we all long for most.  Making love with someone that you deeply love is a singular experience that so unites the intimates involved that it transforms them. It is the proverbial glue that keeps the rest of the mess intact and inspires people to compassion and kindness that they may not even know they are capable of.   It is the truest part of what it means to be human and the act of love that accompanies it has the power to change the world.  

And change the world it does.    Loving someone is the largest single predictor or health and longevity.  As Dr. Dean Ornish said  “Love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing…I am not aware of any other factor in medicine- not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery- that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death from all causes.”   Love is the cure as well as the illness in our world, and evolving our ability to love, increases not only our chances of survival but creates a depth and meaning in life that only happens in relationships.

The healing affects of intimacy and connection extend deeply into the physical act of lovemaking. Hundreds of major medical studies have shown that an active sex life leads to a longer life, better heart health, a healthier immune response, reduction in chronic pain symptoms, lower rates of depression and even protection against some cancers. Men who have regular sex (only twice per week) have half as many heart attacks as men who only have sex once per month. In fact, a regular garden variety sex life has been shown to extend life by as much as ten years. People who enjoy a meaningful sex life are less anxious, fearful and inhibited.

So now that you are sold on the benefits of  love and intimacy,  lets also reveal the unspoken truth  about sustaining love over time, which  is that loving someone else and allowing yourself to be deeply loved is an act of heroic patience, intention and commitment.   After the honeymoon wears off, (and I promise it always will)  we humans  are all as annoying as we are loveable.   Accepting that as fact and then building the skills to undertake the daily problem solving of loving,  is not only wise, but a prerequisite for enjoying the kind of sex that can change your world.  Stay tuned here as we continue to explore new regions of the heart and the delights of sustainable love.  Please Share your stories of keeping your love vital and healthy too.

 A seriously lively discussion has been going on at
http://www.realitysandwich.com/sustainable_love, where this was first posted.  Truly fascinating to hear the range of experience and belief about love.

Walking into your bedroom should make your heart rate slow down.  It should be the place where you sigh deeply and your whole body relaxes.  The bedroom is your nest.  A singular  space that both regenerates you on a cellular level every night as you sleep and provides the environment and impetus for physical intimacy.  As the place where we love deeply,  procreate our next generation and regenerate ourselves our bedroom is deservedly the sanctuary for  our sanity. 

Don’t let the world into your nest.  Guard the sanctity of the space by keeping the world at bay at the door.  I know there are many late night TV lovers who will argue the point here, but I still say that a television in the bedroom is one voice too many, especially if you are in a committed relationship that is fragmented by the busyness of life.  Same goes for newspapers and news magazines.  Watch and read in the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom if you must, but leave the bedroom to the wonder of silence and soft voices.  (OK, I will give into a little night music sometimes, but not a radio…).  The older I get the more convinced I am that life must provide a retreat or we wither on the vine.   There are numerous sleep studies that back me up on this- screens and sleep are incompatible and of little help in jump starting an intimate life.  

There are an abundance of resources on greening your home, so if you are already in that groove, then I apologize for preaching to the choir.  But if you are just beginning to apply the benefits of sustainability to your living space, there is no more satisfying place to start than your bedroom.   Your bed is the place that you spend almost as many hours as any other place in your life.  If you are up for a new one, look for all those cool natural materials that don’t off-gas – like wool, organic cotton or natural latex.  It’s pricey but you’re worth it.  Also if you are going to spring for any luxury in life, make it cotton sheets- organic preferably, but truly the difference over time of beloved cotton sheets compared with the poly-cotton versions are dream worlds apart.  (Check out the options at www.ecobedroom.com)  

Without beating a dead drum it is worth repeating what most of us already know:  We are one of the most exhausted cultures of all time;  so much for all the leisure time that our new information age/economy was going to provide.  Celebrate the gift of rest and how incredible it feels to wake up refreshed.  The world really does look different through fresh eyes, although admittedly this is a practice that I wish I was better at.

For many of us,  it is challenging to feed our need for intimacy and physical contact with the same energy that we bring to the selection and preparation of our food shopping and cooking habits.  Giving your time to composting and recycling is no different than finding the space to air out your feelings.  Making commitments to simplify your life and reducing impact on the environment requires the same amount of mental energy as constructing the space and time for deep and meaningful interactions in your days.

The healing affects of intimacy and connection extend deeply into the physical act of lovemaking.  Hundreds of major medical studies have shown that an active sex life leads to a longer life, better heart health, a healthier immune response, reduction in chronic pain symptoms, lower rates of depression and even protection against some cancers. Men who have regular sex (only twice per week) have half as many heart attacks as men who only have sex once per month. In fact, a regular garden variety sex life has been shown to extend life by as much as ten years. People who enjoy a meaningful sex life are less anxious, fearful and inhibited.  Greening your love and your bedroom has the power to extend out to the world in ways that we can barely imagine. It’s a worthy practice that can only make life more sustainable.

Here’s the thing about loving people:  They are annoying.  I tell people this regularly and they laugh, sometimes a nervous laugh, but more often a knowing laugh.  We laugh together out of relief  too,  it’s not just you, or me, but lets face it,  collectively we are all pretty annoying.   A recent study of thousands of couples sited the most frequent cause of breakups and divorces were rarely about big issues, but rather the build up of small gestures or lack of them that caused people to leave their relationships. Certainly a look back through our collective human history is nothing if not a testimony to how incredibly annoying we all are- and how little things can turn bad and ugly on a big scale.

Even within our own tribes and families, our similarities and genetic ties are challenging to grasp and hang onto.  With both partners and children,  appreciating how we are  related is something that we have to learn and re-learn.  It takes separating the essential loveliness of the people around us from all of the incredibly annoying traits that fill the din.  Overwhelming our sense of connection are the small things- how people chew too loudly, or swing their knees in their sleep, or drip food from the corner of their mouth, or talk while they are chewing…the noises we make when we brush our teeth, or the crumbs we leave on the counter, or the socks we can’t turn right side out.  In my house these lists are infinite and trivial and weighty.  Learning to sustain our relationships and choosing to stay happens in all the small moments of the everyday mess of life.  

I write this at a time when I am struck by just how often and how hard I have to work at loving people and accepting them as they are even when they are so annoying.  This coupled with almost a continuous chorus of people I know who can’t quite commit to their relationships, the old one foot out the door syndrome, because living with them is so excruciatingly trying.   We all want our own space, and order to prevail as we would have it, but rarely is that the nature of living with other humans.  It all comes down to admitting just how annoying the whole business is and realizing that I am just as annoying as the people who annoy me.  These issues surfaced frequently in the early years of  creating a family and the most important takeaway lesson of  our years in marriage counseling was this one- that if you can hold what is deeply loveable about someone in one hand while holding what is most annoying about them in the other- side by side;  balance, patience and choosing to forgive and love in spite of the difficulty is possible. 

Taking that lesson to the world at large is in some ways more challenging because strangers by definition are well, strange, (at least to us), and so holding what is loveable about them with what is annoying about them can sometimes be hard to imagine.  Last weekend I was in the midst of some 30,000 of them, which even under the best of circumstances is a lot of strangeness.   As a vendor of love products at the natural products show, I strived to see the loveable, but I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I was frequently faced with the dilemma of how annoying we all can be.    

Among strangers we face a different list which separates us- how people dress, or smell, ignore us, talk over us or interrupt (one of my big weaknesses as a stranger) and here again the list can be lengthy.  Yet, the results are universal – all of these annoying qualities make it easy to make these unknown people “other” than us, and taken to the extreme, it is not that big a jump to seeing how many of our serious social ills are the  unfortunate and increasingly disastrous consequence of our inability to see past what is annoying in all of us. 

So here’s my proposal, let’s just go forward admitting to how annoying and flawed we all are, so that we aren’t surprised that living together is so challenging.  We all go in knowing that we choose to get over it, so that we each can find these brief yet life changing moments of holding on to what we all want the most- each other. 

This is the textbook for what sex was made for. Centuries old, tantric practices are part of a much larger hindu/vedic tradition of which sexuality is only part. The full practice is a life long spiritual quest which demonstrates the interconnectedness of everything and includes yoga, meditation, breath work as well as sexual techniques. The Western and more modern interpretation of Tantra has become synonomous with spiritual and sacred sexuality. These tantric books and practices explore and teach techniques which are capable of elevating the sexual participants to a sublime and ecstatic spiritual plane.

Many teachers caution against the confusion associated with “tantric bliss” as a path to intense orgasmic pleasure. In fact the power of the practices is often the sublimation of orgasmic pleasure towards a rising spiritual energy of divine connection.

I am not an expert or even a devoted student of Tantric practices. I have read some popular titles and seen a few videos that teach the techniques and spent some time with on the internet researching the topic. The google resources are exhaustive. Yet, even with out an exhaustive education the principles behind tantric practice can go a long way in deepening the connection you share with your partner.

There are a few simple techniques that I often recommend to customers and clients with out even situating them in the context of Tantra, which in fact is where they came from.

The idea of making love with your eyes open is one of the fundamentals of deep connection in intimacy. It is surprisingly harder to do than you might expect. Move toward this idea as an intention rather than a rule and be amazed as the collection of glimpses that will reshape how you think about your partner and yourself. It is not easy to be seen, even by the people we love. Truly witnessing the act of love is profoundly transformative.

Becoming conscious about your breath is central to all yogic practices and is foundational in Tantra. An easy way to start this is to intentionally count your breaths together. Associating breath and penetration, both shallow and deep forces you both to find a rhythm and timing that is shared. Slowing down to each other and taking a breath with each connection is incredibly exciting.

Combine these two ideas into one of my favorite intimate activities and see if you can get to the finish line together. The ground rules are first to keep looking into each other’s eyes, and second, to distinguish between deep and shallow penetration. Starting with shallow and moving towards deep penetration in a count that you both follow requires concentration and focus which alone changes the nature of intimacy. The first round is nine shallow and one deep stroke, each one connected through breath and eye contact. The second round is eight shallow, two deep. The pattern continues and then repeats, if you can, although I have rarely gotten through more than one round.

Showering our physical love with intent and attention is the key to transforming love into a force of unity. My first line of products was called Sacred Moments because even without any study of tantra I knew that the closest we can get to the divine is in the act of making love to someone you really love. Have fun.

Well it made it to the front page of most newspapers again today,  the governor of New York was caught in a sting of an elite, top priced prostitute ring.  On the day before valentines day, no less.   His career in a shambles, “Mr Clean” as he was referred to for his corruption fighting administration has fallen among the rest of us mortals.   It probably won’t be the end of his career, I mean after all it was only 8 short years ago, that Hilary was the wronged wife and now look at her- putting on the pants in the family to bring the commander in chief role home again…  Only a few political pundits are recalling the shame of it all with cartoons of Bill kissing another woman in front of her- Hilary’s comment, ” It’s OK if she is a super delegate.”

It’s weird the shock and dismay we express when our leaders act like us.   Even if you just count the numbers in pornography viewers, dollars spent, time consumed, we are a sexually frustrated nation to say the least.    Match these numbers against the number of sexually satisfied partners and the picture gets really dismal.  I mean the governor has a nice looking wife of many years,  three teenage daughters, how come he wasn’t with her planning a Valentines day tryst?    What is the story about Bill and Hillary anyway,  did they just forget about it?  Do they share a bed or a room?  Why do we keep acting like nothing happened?

In fact something is happening in our sex lives today, they are being co-opted by mainstream media which blurs with pornography in advertising, music and television all the time.   Surrounded by all that sex, still the number one question that I get all the time is about how to keep the passion going in a long term relationship.  We are disappointed that the sexuality that we share in our daily relationships doesn’t sizzle like the kind we see everywhere.  We use our sex lives as the barometer of whether the relationship is working or not and bail with out considering why.

I was just sent a book to review and the publisher after seeing my Good Clean Love work thought I would want to see another title they just published called Porn Star Secrets of Sex.  In the introduction she compares porn stars to the likes of Susan B. Anthony and Margaret Mead.  If we were more like porn stars, she says,  we wouldn’t feel ashamed of our bodies and we would embrace our sexual selves.  Emulating porn stars would save us from routine missionary position- lights out sex, claims the author.

I personally am totally uninterested in sex for the sake of sex.  I am looking for the big bang for my buck,  actually making love to someone who loves me, tolerates my bad moods and bad behavior, stands behind me when I am falling.   Even the most garden variety of that sex would win out over any rolicking ride ‘em cowgirl sex with someone I will never see again.

Here is the critical link we are missing about sex today- it was actually made for love.

For most of my life I have lived away from my native home and my husband has always said “You can take the girl out of New York, but you can’t take New York out of the girl.”  Being a Jewish girl from New York has been a part of my identity as basic as my blue eyes.  Yet for all of the space that this cultural identity has taken up, and the personality attributes that accompanies it, I have found very little comfort in where I come from.   Functional though it may be in getting things done, it has always required some kind of explanation or excuse. 

Recently I returned to New York for a business show.  Walking the cold wintry streets of the city, I searched for how I belonged to this place and how it had so solidly planted itself in me.   Most of my memories of New York are tied up in the dysfunctional family that I grew up in and was mostly an experience of isolation.  The harshness in my tone and demeanor was the language I was raised in.   My ancestors though were solidly Russian immigrants, living on the lower eastside; my great grandfather was a tailor and an orthodox Jew.  By the time I knew him he was close to 100 years old.   He spoke only Hebrew and Yiddish, both languages that I knew by sound, but little else.   He lived out his life in an old hotel on the Atlantic shore of Long Island and I remembered thinking that he was taken to temple to pray more regularly than he was taken to bathe.  

On this trip, a friend brought me to a Jewish renewal service, where for the first time in all my years of being a Jewish girl, and for all of the hundreds of Jewish services that I have attended over those years, this one finally taught me who I am.   A language barrier was crossed and the Yiddish and Jewish words of my history fell into ancient songs and chants that moved the whole room.  People I have never met engaged in a deep search for connection and meaning had familiar faces.  I was at home for the first time. 

It is when our heart is cracked open wide that the lessons we have learned, that have stacked up in us over time sinks in.  Ancient Hebrew chants cracked open my heart that had spent all its years searching and yet never quite belonging.  Unmet needs of belonging, lives in us as deep longing, which has been a driver in my life.  I married into a family whose identity can be traced to the same land for over seven hundred years.  Each trip we made to my husband’s homeland, Slovenija (where they don’t buy vowels) cemented my children’s sense of identity and yet left the gap for me wider still.  It was a longing that created a schism between us, I couldn’t quite imagine the loyalty and connection he felt for his family and history, and he couldn’t grasp how separate and lonely it was for me to witness it.  

Family is the vehicle for creating a sense of belonging and identity.  They are our first tribe.   Having four children was how I made my own tribe and even as I have watched them grow into confident individuals with a clear sense of identity, I never could quite name my own.   Finding one’s tribe is often how we come to grips with our identity. 

Attending that service last week was a watershed.  In ways that I don’t even fully understand I left that renewal service fully renewed.  The experience created a context for my long history on these city streets.  Being a Jewish girl from New York is far more than the dysfunctional family I grew up in or the bits of orthodox practice I witnessed as a child.  It is connected to centuries of devoted prayer and joyous soul searching celebration.   I am not sure what this revelation will create in me or in my life, but I know that this new connection to who I am has changed everything.  Seeing myself as a member of a tribe has given me the ability to see myself with gentler eyes.  It is not from out there that we find love and acceptance, but from within ourselves. It is in truly having what we have and being who we are, where renewal begins.

It is spring, the season that reminds me that we get another chance.   That’s what this story is for me, a new beginning and the first time that I can feel the long line of people behind me.  I am sorry if it is taking advantage of editorial privilege to share it here, but I hope it inspires you to bear witness and gratitude for the tribe that has created your identity, or at least gives you hope of tracking them down.   All the tribes at the beginning taught the same message to survive- love one another.

We can catch someone else’s feelings with the same speed as we can catch a cold from them.  We live in an invisible emotional economy where the moods of the people around you - good and bad become the basis of the emotional transactions of your day.   A day full of people who are optimistic and happy is likely going to be remembered as a good day, just as a day with more than one conflict or stressful situation can easily be marked off as another bad day.    This is the emotional economy of our lives and while we all have different degrees of impact,  the people we encounter and surround ourselves with, profoundly influence whether you are living in a rich or desolate emotional landscape.

For sure,  some people are more susceptible than others- my husband the psychiatrist is, thankfully, professionally trained to keep his distance, but still, it isn’t hard to imagine the toll of a long day of very sad people walking through your office.  I, on the other hand,  am it seems to me at times, entirely porous.  Daily experiences or even the swinging moods of my children who cover the full range of of adolescent experiences keep me bobbing up and down like a buoy in turbulent waters.

Regardless of how open you are to other people’s moods,  it is helpful to realize that our emotional economy is affecting more than only our mood.  Our experience of our days shapes how we feel about our lives and has a very real impact on our health and the potential success we bring to almost any venture.   Choosing wisely the relationships we can sustain in a positive and loving way and clearing out the relationships that have no upside is perhaps the single most significant step you can take to living in a healthy emotional economy, which is the foundation for all the rest.

Well it isn’t just in your head anymore. An international study of two million people from over 70 countries confirms what is a remarkably common experience, yet little recognized as the life stage that it is. It turns out that the happiest times in our life span make a “U” and are situated at our early and late adulthood.

Researchers from Dartmouth and Warwick found this true across cultures and irregardless of income, marital status, family size or job satisfaction. Middle age consistently makes up the bottom of the curve, a time where happiness and satisfaction are hard to come by. Unexplainable except as something deeply human, this challenging time of coming to terms and making peace with life is as basic to our life cycle as the uniformly tumultuous adolescent years that pull us down or push us forward on a trajectory that becomes our life.

Relationships, which are ultimately the truest mirror of our life, reflect this life cycle. Early love relationships carry an urgency and immediacy that supersedes all else in life and regardless of the outcome, the experience is nothing, if not life lived to its fullest. We invest ourselves completely in these first forays into love and, in both its height and depth; we allow these relationships to transform us. Love teaches us through brute force to believe in what is most lovely and human in us.

The mid-life dip is real and it takes a serious toll on our primary relationships. All the competing agendas, the exhausting joy of raising progeny whilst trying to be our own personal best, the cost of things, and our tired aging bodies all converging on hours that just aren’t quite long enough to fit it all in. Sign me up, I am in the mid life dip club- big time and yet struggling everyday to give voice to the reasons to stay, to keep loving, to not let the bad moods that are so easy to over take, dictate our life choices. Bailing out of love feels easier in this time, maybe it is easier, and yet I know leaving the foundation that you invest in doesn’t get you any closer to the peace in ourselves that we so long for.

This becomes clearer too, both in the study statistics and in life itself as we move towards the latter part of our life. Finally given up the struggle and the tension of defining who is right or less imperfect, nothing is left to be taken for granted, least of all the time or comfort of sharing a history with someone. A companion through the years that has come to accept our foibles and weaknesses, holding them along side the most loveable parts of us is a gift beyond measure. Loving someone long term and being loved is the proof of the single most significant predictor of longevity. We know finally what this life is for- the slower we go, the more that love is the only balance worth striving for, the only paths with enough heart to help the rest of life make sense.

So wherever you are in your life cycle, this Valentine’s Day recognize your relationship as the perfect mirror for this time in your life. If you are in the wild throws of falling in love, thank your lucky stars and spread the love in the constant smile that only that state can embody. Feel the intensity in every cell of your body so that you can create the visceral memories that can get you through a mid life dip. If you are still lucky enough to be loving someone who has seen you through the highs and lows, treasure it and share it. Love and gentleness are as contagious as its opposite.

If, like me, you are knee deep in the mid-life dip - Imagine your relationship and your capacity to love as tools to stretch out the curve and soften the bottom of this bumpy life transition. Remember the intensity of the love you invested in easier times and bank on it now, even if you can’t always feel it. The initial investment is still there. Take the time out of the busy schedule to listen, take a walk, or have a physical conversation. Reach forward in time and realize how golden this will all feel when looking backwards. Admittedly sometimes I can’t imagine it ever feeling golden, but I do know that there is a tenderness and connection that replaces and restores the bruises of moving through hard times.

Whether this Valentines Day is romantic or routine for you, commit yourself to finding the love that surrounds you.

I really love this interview with the Hippie Gourmet! I think he captures the essence of what I am trying to say to the world. If you are so moved, please share this interview with friends.