Starting this week we will be posting and sending out our Good Clean Love newsletter on Wednesdays. We have discovered that most of our readers perfer a mid-week arrival. Let us know how this change works for you!
Biology of Affairs
We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.” Albert Camus
Most people who have affairs will say that they don’t know how it happened. Extramarital affairs are rarely consciously planned; they happen as life often does, with one thing leading to another. Evolutionary psychologists, in attempts to understand human behavior as prevalent as infidelity, have found some interesting patterns that suggest that our biology might again be the leader in our life choices.
The percentage of people impacted by infidelity is between 30-60% of all married couples, depending on the study cited. More interesting than the differing rates of occurrence for men and women are the different patterns of infidelity for each gender.
Cheating men are more likely than cheating women to have an affair with someone younger than their spouse. On the other hand, cheating women are more likely than cheating men to have an affair with someone better educated than their current spouse.
Additionally, marked sex differences exist in age patterns of infidelity. Women are far more likely to commit infidelity in their twenties and early in their relationship, where as men’s affairs happen later in their relationship and predominately after the age of forty. Evolutionists believe this pattern reflects a long- term mating strategy and that just like other mammals, our biological clock and often unconscious drive to reproduce may be exactly what is happening which inspires infidelity.
The biological changes that impact sexuality with aging and menopause are additional aspects of biological clock issues that underlie infidelity. I have watched many of my closest friends both leave and be left during this intense life transition. Is anyone to blame, when fully fifty percent of women lose their interest in sex and struggle with arousal and orgasm right when a man’s need for sexual satisfaction and validation is at its most vulnerable?
Yet our sexually driven biology is only one part of the human story. While sex and love are inextricably linked, the processing of those experiences happen in different regions of the brain, and while there is some overlap, it is the experience of love which matures the mind. The constellation of neural systems and activity involved in the experience of love strengthens with the length of the attachment. The small study concluded that “Romantic love is one of the most powerful human experiences…more powerful than the sex drive.”
Although some might question the veracity of the claims, try to remember how potent the experience of falling in love was for you, extending far beyond the sexual, to the very core of what it was to be alive. Loving over time does change your brain and although it doesn’t often have the intensity and ecstasy associated with “falling in love” it carries even more benefits in terms of long term happiness and health. Only 10% of people who have affairs end up staying together, so when you are feeling your biology influence your choices make sure you are consulting with what makes us truly human, our drive to love.
Study Finds that More Than 50% of the Nation Use Vibrators
Two studies by the Indiana University found that 53 percent of women and 45 percent of men aged 18-60 use vibrators during sexual play.
Do these numbers surprise you? If so, you might be interested to find out that not only is vibrator use more common than most think, but according to these studies, its use is linked to positive sexuality and increased care for one’s sexual health.
Vibrators have been recommended by therapists and physicians alike, though even under “doctor’s orders” most people still have a blushing association with these sex tools. These findings, from the Center for Sexual Health Promotion in IU’s School of Health, Physical Education and Recreation, are the first of their kind to be published.
According to Indiana University’s press release, Michael Reece, director of the Center for Sexual health Promotion, said that the results are important because” both studies help us to further understand the way in which American consumers are turning to the marketplace for products that promote their sexual health, and that has important economic implications.”
The survey responses came from 2,056 women and 1,047 men nationwide:
For women:
- More than half of the women (52.5 percent) had used a vibrator with nearly one in four having done so in the past month.
- Vibrator users were significantly more likely to have had a gynecological exam during the past year and to have performed genital self-examination during the previous month.
- Vibrator use was positively related to several aspects of sexual function (desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, pain and overall function) with recent vibrator users scoring themselves higher on most sexual function domains, suggesting more positive sexual function.
- Most women (71.5 percent) reported having never experienced any side effects associated with vibrator use. Those side effects that were reported were typically rare and of a short duration.
For men:
- The prevalence of men who had incorporated a vibrator into sexual activities during their lives was 44.8 percent, with no statistical differences between the rates of vibrator use between men who identified as heterosexual and those who identified as gay or bisexual.
- Heterosexual men most commonly reported having used vibrators during foreplay or intercourse with a female partner, with 91 percent of those who had used a vibrator reporting that they had done so during such activities with women.
- Of men who have used vibrators, 10 percent had done so in the past month, 14.2 percent in the past year and 20.5 percent more than one year ago.
- Men who reported having used vibrators, particularly those with more recent use, were more likely to report participation in sexual health promoting behaviors, such as testicular self-exam.
- Men who had used vibrators recently also scored themselves higher on four of the five domains of sexual function, as measured by the International Index of Erectile Function (erectile function, intercourse satisfaction, orgasmic function and sexual desire).
Check our our newest vibrators here!
The Grass is Greener
“Betrayal can only happen if you love.” John Le Carre
If ever an expression defined human behavior, it is the notion that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Ovid, an ancient Roman philosopher and poet was perhaps the first when he said that “the harvest is always more fruitful in another man’s fields.” This sense that life is better for others has perhaps its strongest and most debilitating hold on us as it affects our relationships. Infidelity, the most cutting breach of trust that we experience in our intimate relationships is rampant. It is so common that not having some form of the experience is uncommon. While the stories of infidelity are as unique as the millions of people who engage in them - our shared human biology, emotional needs and the thinking errors that allow them - are universal.
Book Review: Sex Comes First
I have advocated sex as healing tool for years now. The longer that I am married, the more it seems true that the discussions following sex are more honest, more pointed and more connected than any conversation before hand. Indeed the physical conversation in deep sexuality is a language unto itself and has the power to untangle and unwind many emoitshed superfluous layers. After sex we talk about the real issues, having already resolved the painful feelings that have built upon our disconnection.
When my review copy of Sex Comes First- 15 Ways to Save Your Relationship Without Leaving Your Bedroom arrived, my interest was piqued in the introduction. The very first lines of the book link copulation and coupling as the intrinsic foundation of a fulfilling relationship. The author, Joel Block, PhD turns the typical therapy process of “feel something and then do something” on its head with his premise that by “doing something, you create the feelings”. The unstated “something” is sex. The book provides step by step directions for a variety of sexual encounters to deal with a wide range of emotional issues.
The book covers all of the major issues that most couples face at some point in their relationship including anger, jealousy, trust, poor communication, and infidelity among others. The initial discussion on each issue provides explanation of using those emotional experiences to your advantage or disadvantage. The book presumes that the reader wants to improve their relationship. Different sexual therapeutic practices are recommended for each of the different issues. It would take a real commitment to your relationship to be willing to try some of them if you were deep in the throes of emotional turmoil.
I actually believe that “The right sexual act at the right time can actually help resolve many of your issues as a couple…today.” I also believe that if we understood the power of deep and transformative sexuality and reserved it for the people we are working to love, we would all inhabit a different plane together. So if you are in a situation where you keep looking at the door, or are faced with more doubts than belief in your relationship, pick this book up and try a few of the exercises. You might just realize that the answer to your problems was right there in your bedroom all along.
Is the Recession Increasing the Sale of Sexual Accessories?
According to a recent Advertising Age article, either improved marketing or “recession sex” is to thank for this year’s dramatic increase in sexual-enhancement device sales.
“The recession hasn’t taken any edge off the sexual-accessories trade and may well have helped: Data show that such things as his-and-hers lubricants and mass-market sexual-enhancement devices are producing fireworks in supermarket and drug-store aisles,” writes Advertising Age’s Jack Neff.
He goes on to quote Information Resources, Inc., a leading provider of enterprise market information solutions and services, saying that the first-quarter sales of personal lubricants jumped a significant 32%. Add to that the 74% increase over last year in the “sexual-enhancement devices” categories in stores, and it’s worth figuring out just what factors are spurring this market’s growth.
What do you think?
Have your sexual accessory purchases increased with the recessed economy? Sex is a great relaxation aid - is it valued enough for this positive benefit that the overall market is seeing a positive growth? Or could it be that marketing and advertising is becoming more mainstream and thus reaching a larger audience? Or are companies finally “getting” the consumer and offering more appealing advertising, utilizing customer testimonials, and creating engaging social media tactics?
We would love to hear your views! Leave a comment below.
Q&A: Can You Regain Your Sex Drive After Giving Birth?
Question:
My wife used to love sex, but we had a baby six months ago, and she has since lost all interest. Will her sex drive ever come back?
Answer:
The good news is that you can help her find her sexual interest. But don’t look in her diaper bag…it’s not there. It’s not unusual for a new mom to feel like her body and the focus of her attention belongs solely to the baby. Additionally, free time has diminished and she’s exhausted. If you want to seduce her, I recommend you help her with the household chores and the baby. Ask her what you can do to help while letting her know how much you miss making love to her.
Then, I suggest you hire a babysitter and get a room at a nice hotel where there are no signs of parenthood. While sexual drive after having a baby varies among women, it typically returns at around six months. So, with patience, planning, and effort you’ll soon be having sex again…really.
Listening Inside
Perhaps the most challenging listening that we attempt in this life is learning to listen to ourselves. We know our inner voice well in childhood, but often lose touch with it as the opinions of others dominate our life in adolescence. It is tragic really, how we are trained to not listen to ourselves, to believe that other people know what we want to become or do with our lives more than ourselves. Listening for this inner voice is sometimes referred to as listening to our instinct or to our heart. It may be all those things, but even more importantly, it is the voice of what is genuine in us. Read the rest of Listening Inside, our latest Sustainable Love Letter.
The Good Clean Love Blog Gets A Facelift!
Cool new things are happening at Good Clean Love! Our products are in more and more stores. We are providing free samples and helpful information to healthcare providers across the country. We are contributing our unique voice for sustainable love to more and more blogs and online communities. Every week our newsletter goes out to over 5,000 friends and community members. And on top of all that we are building a nonprofit to help stop sexual violence against young girls around the globe. Here at Good Clean Love we are living our mission to increase the awareness and experience of love in the world and we want to share it all with you!
The Good Clean Love blog makeover is the first step in connecting the dots between you, our customers, and the wide range of communities that we serve. Our new blog will combine all the features of Making Love Sustainable and Your Sex Questions Answered into one easy-to-access space that will also offer industry news, product updates and company information.
Our goal is to make this a place of vibrant conversation about everything that Good Clean Love believes in- ways to make your love sustainable, tips and tools for maintaining an active and healthy intimate lifestyle, and ideas to spread the love to friends, healthcare providers, and girls in need. For all the ways that sex is promoted and sold online, there is precious little discussion about the real work of loving and the mystery of finding pleasure with the people we love.
We want to be the home of those discussions for you!
Along with my frequent sustainable love insights, and regular dialogue about your sexual questions by Doctor Lori Buckley, look for other Good Clean Love team members to give you a glimpse of love and relationships as well as what its like to build a love business from the inside.
Our new social media and communications manager, Kaya Hardin, will be coordinating our presence online - blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube - as well as managing the other tools we’ll use to keep you in the loop as Good Clean Love grows.
My oldest daughter, Ana Strgar, and marketing guru Denise Ryan will be pioneering our new nonprofit. As we try to stop the insanity that sex has become for 27 million girls, you will learn as we do what it takes to create a force for good in the world.
So welcome to the new and improved Good Clean Love blog! We look forward to building a life full of love here with you.
Sustaining Love by Learning to Listen
“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force….When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” Karl Menninger
I have been talking a lot about listening lately, hence, I have been wondering how to listen more and talk less. For any of you who know me, you know this as a life quest. Then as life would have it, I was presented with another chance to learn how. My seventeen-year-old son has been learning some hard lessons in the gentlest of ways recently through the eyes of his new girlfriend. Of course, I want to talk to him about it, but today in his blinding frustration and fear, I actually just listened. I thought I knew what he would say but once I stopped thinking and expecting what would come next, I saw him and heard him in a way that is rare between us.
My problem, and one that I share with many, is that I often get stopped at the words, when in fact real listening happens in the spaces beneath the words. Peter Senge describes it eloquently when he said, “You listen not only for what someone knows, but for what he or she is. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light, which the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow your mind’s hearing to your ears’ natural speed and hear beneath the words to their meaning.”
This kind of listening is a place of grace. It is a mysterious and magnetic force that pulls people into that quiet attentive presence, which allows us to unfold and know ourselves. This is what I think my husband tried to tell me when he said that listening can be a shelter, too. I didn’t yet understand the healing and reciprocity that occurs when you step inside another’s experience completely. Judgment is replaced and what is left unifies the speaker and the listener so that both people walk away somehow enlarged and expanded.
Often, words don’t really describe things nearly as well as they describe our relationship to them. This is where misunderstanding comes from; in our rush to communicate we often hear the words, but not the heart of what is being said. Slowing down and paying full attention to the people you love gives you the chance to heal and connect in a way that words cannot. I am learning about the power of a loving silence, which gives the people you care about the chance to figure out what is inside of them.
Later that night my son struggled to express his feelings again. Taking the cue I have missed for years, but understood earlier in the day, I simply sat next to him quietly. The truth of the expertly crafted question showered over us and there he was finding the courage to look at aspects of relating that I have shouted at him for years. Truly no one can tell anyone anything, but we can be a loving presence to listen for what will become a protected and non-judgmental silence. This is why one of the most famous Supreme Court justices in American history, Oliver Wendell Holmes said; “It is the province of knowledge to speak and the privilege of wisdom to listen.”
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